A True Story (Probably)

Happy New Year to you all.  This global warming malarkey is wonderful isn't it.............

Let me tell you a story.  Steve and Jennifer Bobton-Smythe have been extremely inconvenienced by the current poor weather.  Neither come from upper class stock, the double barreled name comes from them adding their surnames together when they married.  He's an accountant and she's a Travelling Persons Diversity Benefits and Culture Co-Ordinator. 

They looked all the spring and summer months last year for a perfect home and finally found one in a small hamlet 30 miles from Aberdeen.  What a wonderful, rustic, rural community to live in. 

The first frosts of October worried Jennifer, so Steve bought a big ugly 4x4 for them.  They drove in and out of town at 80 miles per hour on a daily basis, tailgating other road users and lording it over the oiks in their lesser vehicles.

But oh dear.  The rural idyll has gone the way of the pear.  The worst winter in 50 years is upon us.  And now Steve is driving into town at 20 miles per hour with a queue a mile long behind him of people he normally tailgates and abuses.  Steve cannot handle his 4x4.  Or Snow.  Or Ice. 

The moral of the story - don't buy a house in rural Aberdeenshire if you can't drive in poor weather and adverse road conditions. 

I thank you in advance for your co-operation in this matter...............

First music recommendation of the year from Glasvegas "Daddy's Gone".  More than a nod to the Motown bands of the 60's and all the better for it.

Only Tax Paying Mugs Require AA Membership

So I'm sitting in the office tonight at 5pm. Been there since the back of 7am and could stay another 3 hours and still not have caught up. So I decide I'll head home to see the family instead and get back in early tomorrow and get into it again.

Go out and the car has a puncture. Being an impractical sod, this causes issues. So I phone Mrs MacBeth and shout at her for a while. Then try and change it. Get it jacked up. And can't get the bloody wheel off. Put on by one of those air machine things (told you I was an expert at this), I can't budge it. So I give up, swallow my pride and phone the AA. We spend enough cash on membership.

They'll be with you in 45 minutes says the nice lady. An hour later they haven't turned up so I phone again. To be told they're busy. And it won't be the AA, but someone else who they've contracted my problem out to. And it'll be another half an hour. The dude who does turn up is a good lad, his big rigger boots and an industrial sized wrench and we're sorted. And unlike many of these kind of guys, he doesn't make me feel like a prick for requiring assistance.

On my way home the original AA call centre galoot calls to say the alternative to the AA will be with me shortly. You really just can't make this shit up can you. Why are these large organisations so bloody incompetent?

So the old motor is patched up for the third time in a month. With both me and Mrs MacBeth working just to keep our heads above water, we cannot afford a new car for me at the moment, so here's hoping the old Fiat Punto can last through the winter.

The amount of tax we pay is crippling. No doubt these bloody politicians will start about 'hard working families' again soon, it's only 6 months till an election. New cars, kitchens and bathrooms will have to wait for this hard working family. Probably for two generations as we pay off Gorgon McDoom's astronomical debt for him.

Oh how I wish I was like a female in our street. She drives a nice shiny red Audi A3. I like them, would love one. Won't be seeing one outside our door in a hurry.

Miss Audi A3 doesn't work.

Sometimes at 6am when I'm looking at myself in the mirror contemplating another 12 hour day away from home I think, "you fecking mug".

Music tonight The Carpenters "Top of the World". My sister loved this song when she was a kid. Very easy listening, middle of the road stuff, but Karen's voice is incredible, a life cut too short.

Driven to Distraction

The quality of driving in Aberdeen and Aberdeenshire is quite frankly appalling. You have to wonder which lucky dip some of these tubes found their driving licences in. I could be here all night with examples but in general here's my biggest bugbears:

Lack of indicators. Are these things optional extras in the car showrooms of the North East? Roundabouts are negotiated at break neck speed with no indication to fellow road users which exit they are about to use. Junctions are negotiated in the same manner. Frustrating and dangerous in equal parts.

Driving on "B" and Unclassified roads. There are two types of clown on these roads. The first is the 10 miles an hour crawler. They will have a line of traffic behind them like the safety car in a Formula 1 race, but they will not under any circumstances pull over and let them past. The other is Mr Arrogant. Mr Arrogant is usually driving a 4x4, BMW or Audi. He is normally morbidly obese. He drives at 60mph on single track roads, on the wrong side of the road, and will not move over for anyone else. He will tailgate anyone who is travelling at a "normal" speed for these types of road. If anyone gets in his way he will sound his horn, flash his headlights and swear at them. The only good thing is you can see his blood pressure rising - it will not be long before he drops down with a heart attack.

The 10 miles an hour crawler can also to be seen on "scenic" routes like the North and South Deeside Roads. The people who go for a "wee run" on these roads sit at 20mph and seem oblivious to the fact that some people actually live out in these parts and might actually have things to do. These people drive me to distraction - they have nowhere to go and all day to go there.

There just does not seem to be a happy medium with speed. It's either people driving so slow that cyclists are overtaking them or absolute nutters overtaking on blind corners at 80mph. What is wrong with sitting at 50-60mph? What's the problem with driving as you were taught, Mirror, SIGNAL, manoeuvre? Some people's brains seem to go into neutral when they get behind the wheel.

Today's music is from the Cars - "Drive". What else really after this post? Pompous 80s Rock Balladry at it's finest!