A True Story (Probably)

Happy New Year to you all.  This global warming malarkey is wonderful isn't it.............

Let me tell you a story.  Steve and Jennifer Bobton-Smythe have been extremely inconvenienced by the current poor weather.  Neither come from upper class stock, the double barreled name comes from them adding their surnames together when they married.  He's an accountant and she's a Travelling Persons Diversity Benefits and Culture Co-Ordinator. 

They looked all the spring and summer months last year for a perfect home and finally found one in a small hamlet 30 miles from Aberdeen.  What a wonderful, rustic, rural community to live in. 

The first frosts of October worried Jennifer, so Steve bought a big ugly 4x4 for them.  They drove in and out of town at 80 miles per hour on a daily basis, tailgating other road users and lording it over the oiks in their lesser vehicles.

But oh dear.  The rural idyll has gone the way of the pear.  The worst winter in 50 years is upon us.  And now Steve is driving into town at 20 miles per hour with a queue a mile long behind him of people he normally tailgates and abuses.  Steve cannot handle his 4x4.  Or Snow.  Or Ice. 

The moral of the story - don't buy a house in rural Aberdeenshire if you can't drive in poor weather and adverse road conditions. 

I thank you in advance for your co-operation in this matter...............

First music recommendation of the year from Glasvegas "Daddy's Gone".  More than a nod to the Motown bands of the 60's and all the better for it.

More Grief from the Great Unwashed

Evening All.  Well here's me sitting on my lonesome, Mrs MacBeth in bed suffering from the tonsillitis/bug that has laid our oldest son low and the youngest still not 100% either, so they are all in the isolation room (the eldest's bedroom!!).

Well chaps and chapesses I know how much you enjoy my real life stories and issues and I've another for you today.  I was driving off to a Client meeting and as I approached a junction the quintessential neolithic man deliberately stepped off the pavement and walked at snail's pace across the road, making me brake heavily and wait for him to cross.  You know the type, Benny from Crossroads hat, cheap nylon tracksuit, cheap trainers, protruding forehead and permanent scowl. 

When he had finally crossed the road, I rolled down my window and inquired of him, "When did jaywalking become the pastime of choice for hard men?".

He replied, "F*** off, you four eyed C***".

To which I retorted, "Armando Iannucci, eat your heart out".

By the completely blank expression on his face, it was obvious he had no idea who the genius involved in the likes of I'm Alan Partridge and The Thick of It was. 

I shook my head and drove off, with him standing there with his middle finger raised in a cheery goodbye.

This bone-from-the-neck-up prick deliberately provoked this confrontation.  Yes I shouldn't have risen to the bait, but I'm sick to death of these absolute brain deads.  The country is full to the brim with them.  Scotland used to have an education system which was the envy of the world.  Is it failing, or is it the case that we now have a generation of people who are impossible to educate regardless of how talented the teachers are?

Has the breakdown of what liberals would call the "old fashioned family unit" bred a generation of people with no values or interest in educating and bettering themselves?  Or am I just a sad old git who doesn't understand the wants and needs of these challenged individuals with all their apparent 'issues'?

I'm off to watch the next episode of A History of Scotland I have on Sky+.  Professor Neil Oliver wouldn't call me a four eyed c***

Music tonight "Bankrobber" by the Clash.  Not as obvious as London Calling or I Fought the Law, but listen to Strummer's angry, aggressive vocals.  Mr Jaywalker could learn a thing or two about aggression and intimidation from a man who channeled his anger in a creative manner.

The Lottery turns 15 - Who Cares?

So it's happy birthday to the National Lottery which is 15 years old today. Millions of pounds have been passed on to good (and not so good) causes in this time and lots of millionaires have been created. And I can't stand the whole concept.

The Lottery is tacky beyond belief. I have hardly ever done it and there's so many games now I've no bloody idea what's what. There's midweek as well as weekend games, and now also Euromillions, where the whole of Europe can get caught up in it - Brits won about £90 million recently.

The whole thing has turned the UK into one big glorified bingo hall, with thousands of people who can't really afford to be spending their dosh on the likes of the lottery sitting at home waiting to call "house".

Is it only me who gets wound up and finds it distasteful standing in the local shop of a Saturday night behind somebody buying copious amounts of "lines" and a scratchcard or seven thrown in for good measure? Normally he's got some cans of Special Brew and a 20 of fags to buy at the same time.

Minority sports like cycling have undoubtedly benefited from the cash, but shouldn't the Government or the various sporting associations be granting this money or raising it by themselves? Even ultra-capitalist Thatcher couldn't bring herself to allow a Lottery when she was in power. If you want to give to 'good causes', set up a direct debit to one of your choice and use the money you piss down the drain every week for the lottery to fund it.

All in all I'd say the bloody thing is yet another tax - however this one is targeted at the thick, poor and hopelessly optimistic. I can assure you this post is in no-way spiteful or jealousy fuelled at the thought of individuals sitting £40 million+ better off this week.

More 80s music for you tonight and let's head to one of the iconic Albums of the Decade - the Lexicon of Love by ABC and the sublime single "The Look of Love".

Could it Happen?

I can't believe I'm about to write this but here goes -I'm beginning to think Labour might win the General Election, or at least hang on for a hung parliament. Brown has had his best couple of weeks in a long time, with Glasgow North East being held comfortably and the Sun's attack on him with regards his letter to the soldier's mother actually backfiring.

Now you can dismiss these two things as the ridiculous habit of the public for feeling sorry for a character who reaps what he sows and that in areas like Glasgow NE you could shave a chimp, stick a red rosette on its arse and they'd still vote for it, but I'm getting a little 1992 feeling here, when John Major upset the odds and beat Kinnock (who probably lost it with his excruciating rally in Birmingham - do you remember "well all right" - Jesus. And of course the Sun's front page "will the last person leaving Britain put the lights out if this man becomes Prime Minister).

It's bizarre, but Brown, who has no mandate from the people to be in the position he holds and who has systematically destroyed the financial structure of this country, is hanging on between 10 and 14 per cent behind in the polls. That's manageable and the party of government always has a late rally. With the constituency boundaries/first past the post system very much now in Labour's favour, for an outright win Call Me Dave needs about 15% more of the vote than Mr "I saved the world, it started in America". He's not there yet and outwith the South East of England he's struggling.

It defies belief. A big problem is people who have no clue about politics voting. A perfect example is at the last General Election a work colleague of mine was asked who she voted for. "Labour of course" she said. "Oh why?"

"Because I like Tony Blair's smile."

When you go to the polling station you should be handed a questionnaire. 5 questions, nothing too strenuous - who's the Chancellor, the Leader of the Opposition, Leader of the Lib Dems, that sort of thing. If you get 3 or more right, you know enough to make an informed decision in the voting booth. If not, you can't come in, because you'll vote for the shaved chimp or the nice smiley man or the nice man with the duck house and moat.

The fuckwits will know who's in "I'm a Celebrity" though.................

Back to the 80s tonight for the music slot and the teen idols who were Wham! "Freedom" may not have been their most famous track, but it actually sold more than the likes of "Wake me up before you go-go", was a huge number one and a fantastic pop song.